Book Talk

Posted on October 23, 2024 by renbog

This morning I read a super fun blog post called, “Questions About Reading” and I asked the author if I could steal her questions to my own post, and she said yes! I hope this inspires some conversation from you about books, too!

What’s your favorite book from childhood?

I wish I could pick just one, but there are a few that just really stick out to me! I was so lucky because my parents got me enrolled in a book of the month club for kids so I got books delivered to me at home all the time! One of those books was Frog and Toad Together and I remember loving that book! I also remember reading a book called The Bad Times of Irma Baumlein — it was this book that taught me the word, “cerulean” so when Miranda Priestly used it in the movie The Devil Wears Prada, I already knew exactly what shade of blue she was talking about! I also devoured numerous Nancy Drew books as a kid, but probably my most read and favorite books were the Little House series. I think I read those books over and over again. Oh, and let me give a quick shout-out to Encyclopedia Brown because I loved trying to solve the mysteries! And I also had this great tongue twister book called A Twister of Twists, a Tangler of Tongues and I practiced those tongue twisters over and over. That’s why I can recite, “The sixth sick sheikh’s sixth sheep’s sick” and the entire, “Betty Botter bought some butter” tongue twister!

If you could change one book and save one character’s life, which book would you change and what character would you save?

This one gave me pause, and I asked my husband who he would pick, and he said he would have to give it some thought! My immediate reaction was Dobby from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I see no reason for Dobby dying. He was a good house elf who got his freedom and deserved to live a long and happy elf life! But maybe I would prefer to save Old Dan and Little Ann from Where the Red Fern Grows. I would prefer for those dogs to just die of old age like all dogs deserve. If I have to choose people, well, maybe I’ll choose Romeo and Juliet. I would have liked to see if their marriage lasted and if their families could reconcile on their own without the shared tragedy of their children’s suicides being the catalyst.

Did you ever have to call in sick because you couldn’t put a book down? What book?

No, I have never called in sick for a book, even though I have been tempted! I usually just drag the book with me and steal moments of reading when I can. There’s no way I could name any particular book for this because it happens so often. I must have really good taste in books because nearly every one I’ve ever read has really sucked me in!

Would you rather read a book that is really well written but has a terrible story, or the other way around?

I will always take a book with a great story that is terribly written. Because honestly, I am not even sure what “terribly written” means. For example, people often point to the Twilight series and the Fifty Shades series as being “terribly written” and I can’t figure out what is actually so terrible. I really enjoyed both of those series because I got wrapped up in the characters and their lives. I enjoy books that allow me to get to know and understand the characters and develop feelings for them — positive or negative — and suck me into their loves and experiences. To me, a book where the characters are flat and I am not emotionally rapped up in them or a a book with a plodding plot makes the book “terribly written” so I can’t really choose one aspect over the other.

Do you read more at night or during the day?

I try to do my reading during the day or evening because if I read too late at night or in bed, I fall asleep! Even if a book is really compelling, there’s something about being in bed all cozy that makes me sleepy!

Did you ever visit a city or place just because you read about it in a book you loved?

Nope, not yet, but there are a couple places I want to visit based on books! One is — yes, call me pathetic if you want — Forks, Washington. Actually, I have always wanted to visit Seattle, so when I go there, I’ll take a day trip to Forks! (I don’t care that I am a 57 year old woman who loves Twilight. #TeamEdward) The other place I would like to visit is Nepal, specifically Mt. Everest. After reading the book Into Thin Air, I thought 2 things: 1 — you must not be someone who thinks straight if you ever want to climb Mt. Everest! and 2 — I would LOVE to climb Mt. Everest! I know I can never in reality do that, but I sure would like to see it with my own eyes!

Can you name a book that kept you up at night?

Yep, and I am not going to talk much about it because it had such an impact on me when I read it as a teenager that it still impacts me now. The Exorcist. I don’t know what possessed (no pun intended) me to read that book, but I did, and I couldn’t get it out of my head at night for a really long time. To this day, like 40+ years later, sometimes it creeps into my head if I wake up at night.

Have you ever met a writer in real life?

Yes, I met 3 that I can think of off the top of my head! I’ll go in reverse order! A few years ago, my dearest friend Cathy, who lives in Key West, took me to a bookstore on the island, and I picked up a couple books there, one of which just so happened to be Summer Sisters by Judy Blume. Lo and behold, it turns out I was at the bookstore Judy Blume owned in Key West and she was there and I met her and she autographed my book! I was star struck and tongue tied. I tried to tell her how much her books meant to me as a young and teen girl, but I was just so babbly, and I have to wonder if she ever gets tired of hearing that because I’m sure she has heard it so often! The next author I met was Larry Heinemann who wrote the novel Paco’s Story, a Vietnam novel I read in a Vietnam in film and literature college class. It was a really powerful book, but there was a rape scene in that book that was really horrific and graphic and disturbing. It tainted my whole reading of the book and the author, so when I had the chance to go to an event where Heinemann was speaking, and I got to hear him talk about the book and meet him in person, it gave me some peace with that scene because I had some context. It was very powerful. And then I also had the great honor of meeting Gwendolyn Brooks on an Amtrak train once right when I was out of college. She was travelling with her daughter, and I recognized her immediately. She and her daughter were so gracious and friendly. I was lucky enough to meet her one more time a few years after that when I was pregnant, and Gwendolyn Brooks laid her hands on my big ol’ pregnant belly and I felt so much good energy! I wonder if that’s part of why my daughter is such a good, kind person, because Gwendolyn Brooks passed that on to her while she was still baking!

Would you rather be allowed to only read new books, or to never be allowed to read anything else than what you’ve read before?

Oh man, that’s a tough one! I am going to say only new books because I have read so many books already and they all live rent free in my head, so as long as I can keep the memories of the books I have already read, I’ll happily take on new ones!

Did a book ever make you cry with laughter?

Hmmm, let me think. Honestly, I don’t think so. To be fair, I don’t read a lot of funny books. I tend to go for books that are emotionally compelling, tragic, impossible love stories, dystopian. The only book I can think of that may come close to making me cry with laughter is Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal. I know there are LOTS of people who would call the book sacrilegious, and I’m not going to deny that it probably is! But is sacrilege always a bad thing? I say no, and that’s because sometimes it can make you think of things in a very different way. While there were numerous funny parts of that novel that made me literally laugh out loud, and parts were certainly meant to be funny, that book also caused my to think about Jesus’s death in a whole other way because of the perspective it was told from, and it became something a little more relatable to me. My relationship with God grew because of that book in ways that years of religious education and 4 years at a Catholic high school never could. So don’t discount sacrilege. (Sorry, I got a little off topic there!)

Okay, I would LOVE to know your answers to these questions! Add them in the comments (or if you’re seeing this on my social media, respond there) or write your own blog post! If you do that, please be sure to give credit to Debs Despatches since it was her post that was the original inspiration!

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A Workout Milestone This Morning

Posted on October 7, 2024 by renbog

I had a good morning at CrossFit! I hit a milestone! We were working on building up to a one-rep max deadlift, and I was able to do 100 pounds! (Truth be told, I may have been able to add weight to that, but we ran out of time, so that just means another milestone for another day.)

Now, if you’re friends with me on Facebook, you may have seen me post last week that I hit a personal best deadlift of 70 pounds. And now you’re probably wondering how I was able to go from 70 to 100 pounds in a week. Well, here are some things to know.

Last week, when I hit the 70 pound PR, we were doing (I think) 5 sets of 3 (or 3 sets of 5 — regardless, we had multiples to do). When doing a set, the weight is usually different. The idea behind a one-rep max is just that — it’s the most weight you can do (keeping proper form and safe, of course) just one time. According to my app, with a previous personal best of 70 pounds, my one-rep max was about 79 pounds. But I wanted to aim for a round number of 80. When I got to 80, I realized I could do more than one rep, so I knew I had to go heavier. That’s how I built myself to 100.

There’s a lot going on in my head when I workout. My success is slow for 3 reasons:

1.) Strength. It has taken me some time to really build my strength. I had not used barbells or done any kind of serious weight lifting before starting CrossFit. I needed to really start building those muscles and learning and focusing on form.

2. Confidence. I don’t have loads of it. I get intimidated very easily. All the people I go to class with are AMAZING and I am so inspired and impressed by them! One guy, last week, deadlifted 440 pounds — WHAT?????? So sometimes I allow myself to be intimidated by the people around me, and I know I shouldn’t do that. But it’s my imposter syndrome at work — there’s a little naggy voice in the deep parts of the back of my mind telling me I’m not like them, I’m not the same, I’m not going to ever be as good as them, I don’t belong, etc. The good news is that as I am having success and getting props from my classmates and positive feedback from my coach, my confidence is building, which is enabling me to try for bigger goals.

3. Trust. The real crux of the matter is I do not trust my body. Before my back surgery in 2019, I trusted my body but not necessarily my mind. My hurdles were mostly mental. After my surgery, I know I’ve got the mental strength but I struggle to believe my body can do things or will let me do things safely. I worry that I am going to get hurt or I am going to fall, and so I tend to proceed with extreme caution, so I progress verrrrrry slowwwwwlllly. I don’t think I will ever trust my body again, but if my strength and confidence continue to build, I believe I will continue to push myself despite the lack of trust I have in my own body to protect me.

But hey, I did something really cool today. I’m on a bit of a high because of it. 100 pounds. I’m proud of myself and the work I’m doing. Next time, I’ll ask my coach to grab a video of me. Because next time, I’ll be able to do more than 100 pounds. I’m confident of that!

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The Privilege of Evacuation

Posted on September 30, 2024 by renbog

It’s hard to look at pictures of the destruction caused by Hurricane Helene and not feel devastated for the people who have lost their homes, belongings, and maybe even loved ones. There are always stories in the wake of a disaster such as this about people needing to be rescued from their homes, and those stories cause relief and ire in many people — relief that someone was able to be rescued, and ire at knowing someone else had to risk their life to rescue someone else who likely didn’t bother to evacuate.

Listen, I get it. First responders put their lives on the line for other people all the time — it’s their job, after all. But it’s natural to feel angry and frustrated that they are taking a risk when people should have evacuated. But before you get carried away with your anger, stop and play a little game for a moment in your own mind to maybe stir up a little empathy and understanding.

Let’s say you have been notified that you need to leave your home in a short amount of time, and you’re simply not sure if you’ll have a home to come back to eventually, or how long it may take for you to be able to return home. What do you need to do? Let me ask you some questions.

How many clothes do you need to pack? Do you need to pack for yourself or do you have a family to pack for? Do you have enough suitcases or something else to pack clothes in?

Do you have toiletries to bring with you for you and your family?

Do you have any cash? Do you have a credit card?

Do you have food you want to bring with you? Does anyone in your family have special dietary needs (my cousin has a daughter with a severe corn allergy — she MUST have special food)?

Is there a baby in your family? Do you have enough food and diapers for the baby?

Does anyone need medications? How much do you have? Do any need to be refilled? What about over-the-counter medication? Do you need to bring any of that with you?

Are there any papers, documents, or memorabilia you want to bring with you in case something happens to your home? Do your kids need any toys or books? Do you need to bring computers, phones, tablets, and chargers?

Do you have pets? Do you have food for them? What about bottled water? And dishes for the food and water? Do your pets need medication? Do you have leashes and collars or harnesses for them or crates?

Do you have a car? Will all the things you need to bring with you AND the people AND the pets all fit in your car? if you have more than one, are you bringing all your vehicles? How much gas is in them right now? Are you going to need to go out and get gas? How long might that take you if everyone in your area is also making the same preparations?

If there is anything you don’t have, are you going to have time to go out and get it? Things like food, water, medication, prescriptions? Are you sure you’ll be able to get them, especially if everyone else in your area is also doing the same thing?

Where are you going to go? Are you flying or driving somewhere? How far do you have to go? Will you have enough gas to get there? Are you sure you can get out on a plane, and with all your stuff? Can you afford it? If you’re driving, do you know someone who can take you in? Do you have to stay at a hotel? Did you call to make a reservation? You might have to drive very far to find a hotel with availability if everyone else in your area is also trying to get a hotel. Can you all fit in one room? If you have pets, will the hotel accept pets? Can you afford to stay at a hotel? Do you have a credit card with a high enough limit for you to afford staying at a hotel?

When are you leaving? If you leave when everyone else leaves, will you get stuck in traffic jams? If so, are your cars filled with enough gas so that you don’t run out while stuck?

Are you overwhelmed just thinking about this? Heck, I’m sure I have forgotten things — mostly because have never had to evacuate my home. My dad and his wife live in Houston and on more than one occasion, they have needed to evacuate because of a hurricane, and at least once that I know of, they ended up having to turn around and come home because the traffic was at a standstill out of town AND they could not find a hotel (I know because I was helping to call hotels and none had any availability). Rather than be stranded on the road without shelter, they went home. They were fortunate to have a nice, sturdy brick home and a closet to shelter in. But what if they didn’t have a sturdy brick home? What if they lived in an apartment building or in a mobile home? That has credit cards to be able to buy food, gas, and pat for a hotel, but what if they didn’t have credit cards? They had small dogs, but what if they had big dogs? They didn’t have any children but what if they did?

Evacuating sounds like a simple concept, but its execution is absolutely not simple! It requires money and time and advanced preparation in a short amount of time. It is a high stress situation. Some people simply don’t have the time, money. and/or physical capability to evacuate.

So if you find yourself tempted to put on your judgy pants and criticize people for not evacuating, stop for a moment and consider that it takes a lot of hard work and privilege and opportunity to be able to evacuate and probably a healthy dose of good luck, too. While you’re feeling gratitude for the first responders who come to rescue people, try to have a little empathy, sympathy, and compassion, too.

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Music: Life’s Backdrop

Posted on September 18, 2024 by renbog
Daily writing prompt
What would your life be like without music?
View all responses

What would my life be without music? Empty. Dull. Flat. Shallow. Void.

Music has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. As a little kid, Saturday mornings were for working around the house and listening to music. My parents brought me up on a wide variety of music — Stevie Wonder, Janis Joplin, The Beatles, Sly and the Family Stone, Three Dog Night, The Bee Gees. And a healthy dose of classical music as well. When I was a kid, I lived in Omaha and the art museum used to have an event on the weekends called Bagels and Bach. My dad would take me to have bagels and listen to a string quartet. I have an incredibly varied taste in music, and I attribute that to my parents and our Saturday morning music.

Like many people, I associate songs with people or events in my life. When I hear Alan Jackson, I think of my grandmother. When I hear Duran Duran, I think of high school. When I hear Journey, I think of my best friend from high school. When I hear songs from late 1985 and early 1986, I go immediately back to the time period after my engagement broke up. When I hear Brittney Spears or Backstreet Boys or NSync, I think about when my daughter was little. Sometimes, these associations bring pleasant memories, sometimes not, but regardless, the music evokes powerful emotion.

Music also helps feed my mini obsession with song lyrics. I love analyzing the lyrics to songs that seem to tell stories. “The Freshmen” by The Verve Pipe. “Fortress Around Your Heart” by Sting. “Lightning Crashes” by Live. “Burn” from Hamilton. “All Too Well” by Taylor Swift. Just a smattering of song lyrics that I have spent hours reading, analyzing, and researching.

I can’t imagine my life without music. It’s just a running backdrop in my life, always with me, always adding depth to what I’m experiencing.

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Lesson Learned

Posted on September 15, 2024 by renbog
Daily writing prompt
Share a lesson you wish you had learned earlier in life.
View all responses

One lesson I wish I had learned earlier in life is that family is about people, not blood. Just because you happen to be related to someone through a blood relationship should have zero bearing on whether that person is family. Because family is people who love you, faults and all, without judgement. Family is made up of people whose affection isn’t transactional or fickle or subject to whims. I used to think being blood related to someone was the most important thing and I was loyal to some people in my family even when I should not have been because their love was conditional, and they were hurtful to me or even abandoned me. Had I learned earlier in life that family has nothing to do with blood, I may have been able to spare myself some grief. I’m grateful I’ve learned this lesson, though, because I have some people in my life now who are not blood relatives but they are far and away the best family members I have.

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A Completely Average Human’s Review of her CrossFit Experience

Posted on September 5, 2024 by renbog

I’m Renee. I’m a retired teacher. I am 57 years old. I came into the fitness game late in life, probably around age 40. At my heaviest weight, I was 289 pounds. I lost 120 pounds on Weight watchers, then when I stopped following the program and started to have some serious stress in my life, slowly gained back about 100 of those pounds over the course of maybe 10 years or so. (It’s insidious how the weight creeps back on.)

Five years ago, I had complications from back surgery that left me unable to feel or move anything from both knees down. After months of rehab — both inpatient and outpatient — I learned to walk again, but I am left with permanent radiculopathy affecting both feet, ankles, and lower legs , causing foot drop in both feet and some balance and mobility issues. This has exacerbated my attempts to lose the weight I slowly regained.

I made a radical decision 2 years ago to have weight loss surgery, and I lost about 90 pounds in a year and have essentially maintained that weight loss now, 2 years post op.

I’m just a regular ol’ person without any extraordinary skills or talents or a past that lends itself to exceptionality. None of this is a dis on myself — I am just trying to show you that I am literally just a normal person who faces the same problems and challenges so many people face.

Shift gears.

I moved to Missouri from Illinois almost 4 months ago. One of the hardest things to do was leave behind the gym I worked out at. I had discovered a boxing fitness gym that I attended for 6 years that I fell in love with! I was looking for something new, something with camaraderie and accountability after my fitness journey in the 20teens took me through solo running, including running numerous 5Ks, a half marathon, and a full marathon (gee, how did I hurt my back? could it be all that running while overweight and not really doing any kind of cross training???). K-Fit Boxing met my needs, and I hated leaving it behind when I moved. I needed something as similar as possible, knowing full well I could never replicate the culture of K-Fit.

A number of people suggested I try CrossFit. I almost immediately balked at it. My concept of CrossFit was it was a bunch of gym bros full of muscles, and a bunch of hard body chicks, every person speaking in a weird CrossFit slang, endlessly talking about their workouts and protein intake, and all of them in perfect physical condition and not very open to newbies or old chicks or fat chicks. I always thought it was really clique-y. But I was really looking for something to replicate as closely as possible my Illinois gym experience, and it was actually my coach from that gym, Anne, who finally got me to consider CrossFit. So I spent a lot of time looking at the website for the CrossFit gym I attend. I looked at their Google reviews. I followed their Instagram account and pored over the photos to see if I could do the workouts or if anyone there looked like me. Then I finally pulled the trigger. I emailed them and went through their onboarding training and learned a whole new aspect of working out. I had never really lifted weights with barbells before, just dumbbells and machines, so this whole strict/clean/snatch thing was super new to me. And woohoo, was it intimidating! Not gonna lie, it still kind of is. But as a proud lifelong learner, I embraced learning the new things and took absolute pleasure in mixing it with the things I already knew how to do. An added intimidation factor was that because of my radiculopathy and foot drop, I simply have to modify some things. I really can’t jump rope very well. I can’t really do jumping jacks. If I have to do more than a few burpees or mountain climbers, I use a box and do them elevated because I simply can’t keep up if I do them “regular”. And I feel like that makes me “stick out” and I HATE sticking out! I just want to blend in with everyone!

So, how does all that do at my CrossFit gym? Beautifully! The coaches there have been so kind. They respect my self-accommodations, they offer accommodations to me, they coach me through movements, they never push me to do something I can’t do, they’re kind and encouraging, and they’re so patient. The other people who workout there have been equally as kind and not judgmental at all. Nobody looks at me askance when they’re front squatting 100 pounds or more and I’m setting my personal best at 35 pounds. No one gives me any side eye when they’re huffing and puffing from their burpees while I’m doing mine from the box. And I am pleased to say that every one of them is an absolute hard body/beautiful person — because every one of them is working so hard and doing such amazing work, that it doesn’t matter if they look like fitness models or senior citizens or any person in between, their strength and their beauty comes from inside, not outside. So I no longer fear the the beautiful gym people!

Is every gym, CrossFit or not, like the gym I go to or the one I went to in Illinois? I’m sure they’re not. I’m probably pretty lucky to have gone 2 for 2 on gyms. I share this because I want anyone who is thinking about doing something like CrossFit (or boxing fitness) but also feeling like they won’t fit in to realize chances are, you WILL fit right in! Don’t be afraid, or just learn to do things scared (that’s pretty much my mantra — I’ve had to learn to do a lot of things scared). Don’t let stereotypes influence you. Give it a try and see how it goes. I told myself I was going to give my CrossFit gym a month and see if I liked it. I gotta say, I like it more and more each time I go. I’m still a bit in awe of the people around me and wonder if I will ever “be like them”, but I also know that even after we’re all done with a workout, and my barbell was 35 pounds, the person with 125 pounds on theirs is still going to first bump me and tell me, “Good work!”

That’s all this average human wanted, was a place to get in a good workout without being judged. I think I found it.

P.S. If you’re at all interested in my weight loss surgery and/or fitness journey, I share posts here on Instagram!

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My Grudge

Posted on September 4, 2024 by renbog
Daily writing prompt
Are you holding a grudge? About?
View all responses

I just discovered that WordPress will give me a daily prompt — how awesome for me but maybe not for any of you who might get sick of my blogging 🙂

Today’s prompt is, “Are you holding a grudge? About?”

Well, yes, yes, I am. And I am not comfortable giving too much detail because, frankly, it involves family, and it’s a grudge that isn’t entirely my story to tell. And my grudge is also linked to the greatest regret in my life.

Someone I love dearly in my family, more than my life itself, was hurt deeply physically and emotionally by another member of my family many years ago. When I attempted to address the issue, I was told it simply didn’t happen — even though this had been witnessed by my husband’s own eyes. So to this day, I hold a pretty serious and vicious grudge against the people involved in this situation who simply said, ‘It didn’t happen.”

Side note — my greatest regret in life is that I didn’t pursue action further — at the request of yet another family member, someone I love deeply. As I look back on this event, I think how fortunate for the people in this situation that this happened all those years ago when I was young and cared far too much what people, especially family members, thought of me. Had this happened now, things would go nuclear because I have learned that blood doesn’t actually mean crap — family is bonds, not blood.

I know that holding grudges isn’t healthy. What’s the saying, something like, “Holding a grudge doesn’t hurt the person the grudge is held against, it hurts the person holding it”? Maybe that’s true. Also, if you’re a religious type, holding grudges isn’t a great way to get into heaven. So maybe my holding this grudge for something I deem totally unforgivable is unhealthy, but I simply don’t care. It is something I feel is a grudge worth holding. It doesn’t consume me. I don’t think about it every day. But it’s there. And I cannot think of a single thing that could make it go away.

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…You Get What You Need

Posted on June 20, 2024 by renbog

I’m sure most of us are familiar with the iconic song by the Rolling Stones with the chorus, “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need.” I actually had this sentiment manifest itself big time to me last night.

Organically through a text conversation I had yesterday with my former boss, Nick, he shared with me that the pastor at his church did a sermon that made him think of me and the challenges I faced in 2019 after my back surgery debacle. (If you’re interested in the sermon, here’s the link; it should start at the beginning of his sermon, and it’s pretty long, but he’s a pretty engaging speaker so it’s a good watch/listen.) A brief summary: the pastor has been dealing with some unresolved pain issues and he shares a bit about how the Holy Spirit helps him (and us) when we go through hard times and challenges. He talks about how the Holy Spirit bears the pain and hurt with us and that the Holy Spirit prays with us and for us when we suffer. And the Holy Spirit, being part of the Trinity, knows God’s will and knows us more intimately than we know ourselves. He spoke about how helpful it is to have the Holy Spirit praying with us and for us because there are times we don’t know what to even ask for in our prayers. His sermon really struck a chord with me. Here’s why.

First, I don’t talk much about my faith in or relationship with God publicly. For me, it’s quite personal, and I don’t always understand it well, so I prefer to keep it all in my own mind and heart in general. So as I try to explain this, I may fumble it a bit, and I’m being extremely vulnerable, for what any of that is worth.

The first 2 weeks after my back surgery, I was pretty much in a state of shock, just trying to absorb what happened, what my current state was, and how I might move forward. Once I started rehab, both inpatient and day rehab, my mindset changed quickly. And those of you who know me and saw me as I went through my recovery probably saw me working hard but being positive. You likely didn’t see the struggles I had when I was alone, especially at night because I wasn’t sleeping well at all for literally months. I was actually quite depressed for a good amount of time, going to some really dark places in my mind. I ended up in counseling and on an anti-depressant for quite a while. My body would be exhausted in ways I never dreamed it could be and there were times I felt like I would never regain my independence. There were times I hated my body. There were even times I thought I might actually be better off not living anymore. Almost no one knew how utterly sad I was. Not even my husband. I would pray often. One of my prayers was, “Help me.” That was it. I didn’t even know what to ask for. I just needed help. Another prayer was, “Make me better.” But I didn’t know for sure what “better” meant or looked like. I always just assumed “better” meant the way I was before the surgery. A third prayer was, “Please make this easier for me.” But I always meant physically easier because I guess I thought if it was easier, then I was getting better.

Did I get better? Did it get easier? Those questions are not easy to answer. No, but yes.

No: I did not recover back to how I was before surgery. I still have neuropathy in both feet which means I still have issues with gait, strength, stamina, and balance. I have pain and cramping in my legs, feet, and ankles if I don’t get the seemingly exact right amount of activity — too little and I get the pain and cramping, too much and I get the pain and cramping. Because of all that, no, things are not easier.

BUT…enter the Holy Spirit.

When we say the “Our Father,” one line is, “Thy will be done.” And how many of us say that when we pray — God’s will be done. But do we really mean it, or do we really understand what it means? As humans, we often assume that God’s will and our will are one in the same, and if we don’t get what we want, then God isn’t answering our prayers. But the Holy Spirit prays with us and for us and knows God’s plan and God’s will, so when the Holy Spirit prays for us, it’s almost like our prayers are “edited” to align with God’s plan and will. God doesn’t provide for us what we want; He provides what we need. So when the Holy Spirit prays with us and for us, the prayer is for us to get what we need from God.

I am so grateful that the Holy Spirit was with me during that time because I know now that my prayers were answered because I got what I needed. I needed the following things, whether I consciously knew it or not:

  • To walk again unassisted
  • To be able to climb stairs
  • To be able to do things on my own, like dress myself and go to the bathroom
  • To exercise
  • To be able to get on the ground to play with my grandson and get back up again
  • To chase my grandson around and hold his hand as he walks with me
  • To pick up my grandson and carry him
  • To dance with my husband at my daughter’s wedding
  • To feel strong
  • To appreciate my body again

This is what God did for me when I prayed, “Help me.” This is what God did when I prayed, “Make me better.” This is what God did for me when I prayed, “Make it easier.” He answered my prayers with what I needed, not what I thought I wanted. I could have never gotten what I needed or seen that I got what I needed without the intercession of the Holy Spirit.

This is an important lesson for me to learn because as the pastor says in his sermon, challenges, pain, suffering will happen again and again and again. Bible passages liken it to childbirth — there’s pain and it gets intense until it results in a new life, and for us, that new life will be our life with Christ. It will be a life without pain and suffering, so we need to understand that the pain we experience here in our earthbound life is building us up for a better life. The pastor also likened it to a smith forging gold, heating the gold bar up gradually, and with increased heat, the impurities coming out of the gold until what is left is a gleaming, perfect bar. We are that bar of gold, all the impurities being removed as we experience more heat and pressure in life until ultimately, a new, perfect version of ourselves will exist, ready to be with God.

I don’t want to suffer again. I know I will, though. I don’t know what hardships lay ahead of me. I hope they’re not the horrific hardships of my nightmares. But God knows what my future holds, He knows what trials I will face, and He already has a plan for me. So when they come, I am going to have to rely, even unconsciously, on the Holy Spirit within me to help me again by praying with me and for me, especially when I don’t know what to pray for. I am so grateful for the lesson I learned last night. God knows me and knows what I need.

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Premature Whining

Posted on May 9, 2023 by renbog

I am going to share a whiny post, and I am sure plenty of people will think I am being whiny prematurely, but that won’t prevent me from writing this.

I have lost about 80 pounds since starting my weight loss surgery journey, and I feel fantastic. I am absolutely in the best shape of my life. I am eating (mostly) healthy foods, not really overeating, exercising regularly, moving more in general, and just feeling really, really good overall. So I decided to try running again. I still do have the neuropathy in both feet, resulting in foot drop in both feet. I have a special brace I wear on my left foot to mitigate the foot drop because it is worse in that foot; the right foot isn’t anywhere near as bad. I ran Saturday morning, and I ran this morning. Both runs were pretty much the same: about 30 minutes, and a distance of 1.62 miles and 1.66 miles. During both runs, my heart rate was elevated, but not a lot. Both my legs feel like they weigh about 1000 pounds each, and I just can’t seem to lengthen my stride or move my legs faster. I try, but then I find myself getting a bit unstable and I REALLY don’t want to fall! I also am a bit “clop clop clop” when I run, which I suppose is good, considering when I ran years before, I was a bit of a heel striker. But this morning, I was really discouraged. I want to be able to run. I love running. I know my pace is slow partially because I am doing run/walk intervals, but in all honesty, there’s not a huge difference in my pace between running and walking. I just can’t seem to get the lower half of my body to move better or faster. Most of the time, I coexist just fine with this body of mine and its limitations, but every now and then, I still get sad about it and have a, “Why me?” moment. This morning was one of those moments.

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#AtoZChallenge — School Shootings

Posted on April 27, 2023 by renbog

As an educator, I am intensely concerned with school shootings. I am hopeful that something tragic will never happen in my school district, but I’m not naïve enough to think it could never happen. What frustrates me immensely is the lack of action on trying to curb school shootings. It seems to me that what happened at Sandy Hook should have been the watershed moment, but if a whole bunch of murdered 1st graders can’t spur any action, then I am not sure what will.

I know that the gun lobby and those who seem to live and die by the 2nd Amendment like to say that the issue isn’t guns (the whole guns don’t kill people, people kill people mantra). In my opinion, the guns sure do make it easy. Sometimes a false equivalency is used (if we outlaw guns, should we also outlaw knives and cars since they can be used to kill people). Well, my response to that is twofold: first, knives and cars have purposes, and their purposes are not killing even though they can be used for that; guns, however, have only one purpose: killing. Second, I suggest we go ahead and outlaw guns and then see if we start to see a major uptick in school stabbings or school car attacks, and if so, then we can either outlaw knives and cars, too, or we can go back to allowing guns.

In all seriousness, I wish the powers that be would do something, anything, beyond offering thoughts and prayers. I have ideas, but my ideas are not unique (outlaw assault-style weapons, universal background checks, mandatory waiting periods are some) and the gun-loving folks seem to balk at these ideas, saying it infringes on their 2A rights. I guess I don’t see how that works — you can still own guns, just not any gun you want, and you have to have some requirements to qualify.

Sadly, it is just a matter of time until the next school shooting happens. They’re very much an American experience. Maybe someday they’ll be a thing of the past.

Posted in Blogging A to Z, Education, Uncategorized | Tagged , | 2 Comments