My Grudge

Posted on September 4, 2024 by renbog
Daily writing prompt
Are you holding a grudge? About?
View all responses

I just discovered that WordPress will give me a daily prompt — how awesome for me but maybe not for any of you who might get sick of my blogging 🙂

Today’s prompt is, “Are you holding a grudge? About?”

Well, yes, yes, I am. And I am not comfortable giving too much detail because, frankly, it involves family, and it’s a grudge that isn’t entirely my story to tell. And my grudge is also linked to the greatest regret in my life.

Someone I love dearly in my family, more than my life itself, was hurt deeply physically and emotionally by another member of my family many years ago. When I attempted to address the issue, I was told it simply didn’t happen — even though this had been witnessed by my husband’s own eyes. So to this day, I hold a pretty serious and vicious grudge against the people involved in this situation who simply said, ‘It didn’t happen.”

Side note — my greatest regret in life is that I didn’t pursue action further — at the request of yet another family member, someone I love deeply. As I look back on this event, I think how fortunate for the people in this situation that this happened all those years ago when I was young and cared far too much what people, especially family members, thought of me. Had this happened now, things would go nuclear because I have learned that blood doesn’t actually mean crap — family is bonds, not blood.

I know that holding grudges isn’t healthy. What’s the saying, something like, “Holding a grudge doesn’t hurt the person the grudge is held against, it hurts the person holding it”? Maybe that’s true. Also, if you’re a religious type, holding grudges isn’t a great way to get into heaven. So maybe my holding this grudge for something I deem totally unforgivable is unhealthy, but I simply don’t care. It is something I feel is a grudge worth holding. It doesn’t consume me. I don’t think about it every day. But it’s there. And I cannot think of a single thing that could make it go away.

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…You Get What You Need

Posted on June 20, 2024 by renbog

I’m sure most of us are familiar with the iconic song by the Rolling Stones with the chorus, “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need.” I actually had this sentiment manifest itself big time to me last night.

Organically through a text conversation I had yesterday with my former boss, Nick, he shared with me that the pastor at his church did a sermon that made him think of me and the challenges I faced in 2019 after my back surgery debacle. (If you’re interested in the sermon, here’s the link; it should start at the beginning of his sermon, and it’s pretty long, but he’s a pretty engaging speaker so it’s a good watch/listen.) A brief summary: the pastor has been dealing with some unresolved pain issues and he shares a bit about how the Holy Spirit helps him (and us) when we go through hard times and challenges. He talks about how the Holy Spirit bears the pain and hurt with us and that the Holy Spirit prays with us and for us when we suffer. And the Holy Spirit, being part of the Trinity, knows God’s will and knows us more intimately than we know ourselves. He spoke about how helpful it is to have the Holy Spirit praying with us and for us because there are times we don’t know what to even ask for in our prayers. His sermon really struck a chord with me. Here’s why.

First, I don’t talk much about my faith in or relationship with God publicly. For me, it’s quite personal, and I don’t always understand it well, so I prefer to keep it all in my own mind and heart in general. So as I try to explain this, I may fumble it a bit, and I’m being extremely vulnerable, for what any of that is worth.

The first 2 weeks after my back surgery, I was pretty much in a state of shock, just trying to absorb what happened, what my current state was, and how I might move forward. Once I started rehab, both inpatient and day rehab, my mindset changed quickly. And those of you who know me and saw me as I went through my recovery probably saw me working hard but being positive. You likely didn’t see the struggles I had when I was alone, especially at night because I wasn’t sleeping well at all for literally months. I was actually quite depressed for a good amount of time, going to some really dark places in my mind. I ended up in counseling and on an anti-depressant for quite a while. My body would be exhausted in ways I never dreamed it could be and there were times I felt like I would never regain my independence. There were times I hated my body. There were even times I thought I might actually be better off not living anymore. Almost no one knew how utterly sad I was. Not even my husband. I would pray often. One of my prayers was, “Help me.” That was it. I didn’t even know what to ask for. I just needed help. Another prayer was, “Make me better.” But I didn’t know for sure what “better” meant or looked like. I always just assumed “better” meant the way I was before the surgery. A third prayer was, “Please make this easier for me.” But I always meant physically easier because I guess I thought if it was easier, then I was getting better.

Did I get better? Did it get easier? Those questions are not easy to answer. No, but yes.

No: I did not recover back to how I was before surgery. I still have neuropathy in both feet which means I still have issues with gait, strength, stamina, and balance. I have pain and cramping in my legs, feet, and ankles if I don’t get the seemingly exact right amount of activity — too little and I get the pain and cramping, too much and I get the pain and cramping. Because of all that, no, things are not easier.

BUT…enter the Holy Spirit.

When we say the “Our Father,” one line is, “Thy will be done.” And how many of us say that when we pray — God’s will be done. But do we really mean it, or do we really understand what it means? As humans, we often assume that God’s will and our will are one in the same, and if we don’t get what we want, then God isn’t answering our prayers. But the Holy Spirit prays with us and for us and knows God’s plan and God’s will, so when the Holy Spirit prays for us, it’s almost like our prayers are “edited” to align with God’s plan and will. God doesn’t provide for us what we want; He provides what we need. So when the Holy Spirit prays with us and for us, the prayer is for us to get what we need from God.

I am so grateful that the Holy Spirit was with me during that time because I know now that my prayers were answered because I got what I needed. I needed the following things, whether I consciously knew it or not:

  • To walk again unassisted
  • To be able to climb stairs
  • To be able to do things on my own, like dress myself and go to the bathroom
  • To exercise
  • To be able to get on the ground to play with my grandson and get back up again
  • To chase my grandson around and hold his hand as he walks with me
  • To pick up my grandson and carry him
  • To dance with my husband at my daughter’s wedding
  • To feel strong
  • To appreciate my body again

This is what God did for me when I prayed, “Help me.” This is what God did when I prayed, “Make me better.” This is what God did for me when I prayed, “Make it easier.” He answered my prayers with what I needed, not what I thought I wanted. I could have never gotten what I needed or seen that I got what I needed without the intercession of the Holy Spirit.

This is an important lesson for me to learn because as the pastor says in his sermon, challenges, pain, suffering will happen again and again and again. Bible passages liken it to childbirth — there’s pain and it gets intense until it results in a new life, and for us, that new life will be our life with Christ. It will be a life without pain and suffering, so we need to understand that the pain we experience here in our earthbound life is building us up for a better life. The pastor also likened it to a smith forging gold, heating the gold bar up gradually, and with increased heat, the impurities coming out of the gold until what is left is a gleaming, perfect bar. We are that bar of gold, all the impurities being removed as we experience more heat and pressure in life until ultimately, a new, perfect version of ourselves will exist, ready to be with God.

I don’t want to suffer again. I know I will, though. I don’t know what hardships lay ahead of me. I hope they’re not the horrific hardships of my nightmares. But God knows what my future holds, He knows what trials I will face, and He already has a plan for me. So when they come, I am going to have to rely, even unconsciously, on the Holy Spirit within me to help me again by praying with me and for me, especially when I don’t know what to pray for. I am so grateful for the lesson I learned last night. God knows me and knows what I need.

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Premature Whining

Posted on May 9, 2023 by renbog

I am going to share a whiny post, and I am sure plenty of people will think I am being whiny prematurely, but that won’t prevent me from writing this.

I have lost about 80 pounds since starting my weight loss surgery journey, and I feel fantastic. I am absolutely in the best shape of my life. I am eating (mostly) healthy foods, not really overeating, exercising regularly, moving more in general, and just feeling really, really good overall. So I decided to try running again. I still do have the neuropathy in both feet, resulting in foot drop in both feet. I have a special brace I wear on my left foot to mitigate the foot drop because it is worse in that foot; the right foot isn’t anywhere near as bad. I ran Saturday morning, and I ran this morning. Both runs were pretty much the same: about 30 minutes, and a distance of 1.62 miles and 1.66 miles. During both runs, my heart rate was elevated, but not a lot. Both my legs feel like they weigh about 1000 pounds each, and I just can’t seem to lengthen my stride or move my legs faster. I try, but then I find myself getting a bit unstable and I REALLY don’t want to fall! I also am a bit “clop clop clop” when I run, which I suppose is good, considering when I ran years before, I was a bit of a heel striker. But this morning, I was really discouraged. I want to be able to run. I love running. I know my pace is slow partially because I am doing run/walk intervals, but in all honesty, there’s not a huge difference in my pace between running and walking. I just can’t seem to get the lower half of my body to move better or faster. Most of the time, I coexist just fine with this body of mine and its limitations, but every now and then, I still get sad about it and have a, “Why me?” moment. This morning was one of those moments.

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#AtoZChallenge — School Shootings

Posted on April 27, 2023 by renbog

As an educator, I am intensely concerned with school shootings. I am hopeful that something tragic will never happen in my school district, but I’m not naïve enough to think it could never happen. What frustrates me immensely is the lack of action on trying to curb school shootings. It seems to me that what happened at Sandy Hook should have been the watershed moment, but if a whole bunch of murdered 1st graders can’t spur any action, then I am not sure what will.

I know that the gun lobby and those who seem to live and die by the 2nd Amendment like to say that the issue isn’t guns (the whole guns don’t kill people, people kill people mantra). In my opinion, the guns sure do make it easy. Sometimes a false equivalency is used (if we outlaw guns, should we also outlaw knives and cars since they can be used to kill people). Well, my response to that is twofold: first, knives and cars have purposes, and their purposes are not killing even though they can be used for that; guns, however, have only one purpose: killing. Second, I suggest we go ahead and outlaw guns and then see if we start to see a major uptick in school stabbings or school car attacks, and if so, then we can either outlaw knives and cars, too, or we can go back to allowing guns.

In all seriousness, I wish the powers that be would do something, anything, beyond offering thoughts and prayers. I have ideas, but my ideas are not unique (outlaw assault-style weapons, universal background checks, mandatory waiting periods are some) and the gun-loving folks seem to balk at these ideas, saying it infringes on their 2A rights. I guess I don’t see how that works — you can still own guns, just not any gun you want, and you have to have some requirements to qualify.

Sadly, it is just a matter of time until the next school shooting happens. They’re very much an American experience. Maybe someday they’ll be a thing of the past.

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#AtoZChallenge — Renee

Posted on April 26, 2023 by renbog

As you know, my name is Renee. When I was a kid, I HATED my name. I didn’t know anyone else with the name Renee, so I assumed it was a weird name. Now, to be fair, I also recall that when I was a child, I decided if I ever grew up to have any daughters, they would have names like Charity and Sweet Honesty and Clarissa and Priscilla because clearly those names were so very common haha! Regardless, I didn’t like that no one else had my name.

As I got older, I met a few more Renees. One spelled her name the same way I did. Another one spelled it Renae. Then I learned that my name was French, and for some reason, that started to help me feel like my name was okay. It spurred me to learn what my name meant in French — reborn or born again — and it inspired me to want to learn French (and despite a year of French in junior, 4 years in high school, 1 year in college, and a trip to France, I’m not fluent in it).

Once I got to college, I finally learned to love my name. I appreciated that there were not many Renees out there, and I decided it sounded pretty. I like that it’s unique but not weird. Sorry to all the parents out there giving your kids strange names (like Abcde) in an attempt to make them unique. There’s a difference between having a name that is different and one that’s just plain weird. That’s my unpopular opinion.

And I have also decided that it fits me perfectly, as I have seen myself have to be “reborn” many times, most notably after my back surgery and my weight loss surgery. Being reborn more than once is a good thing, I think, and I’ve kind of decided that I want to use my name to create a mission for myself, so I plan to be Renee in every sense of the word!

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#AtoZChallenge — Quoting Twister

Posted on April 26, 2023 by renbog

I am not the least bit embarrassed to share that one of my favorite movies is Twister. If I come across it, I’m watching it. Full stop. My daughter also happens to adore the movie. My husband, not so much. And THAT is part of the reason why quoting great lines from that movie is one of my favorite things to do! Here, I share some of my favorites with you!

“Red meat. We crave sustenance.” — Dusty. This line is just so funny, the way it’s presented! The immensely talented Philip Seymour Hoffman played Dusty in this film, and it’s just one of the reasons I am so impressed with him as an actor — his ability to play such an wide range of characters was unmatched. This line is super quotable because it can be used every time I want to eat!

“Rabbit is good, rabbit is wise.” — Rabbit. I love being able to use this quote whenever I want to let someone know how smart I am LOL!

“When you used to tell me that you chase tornadoes, deep down I always thought it was a metaphor.” — Melissa. One of the corniest lines ever, it makes no sense. Really, how is it a metaphor for a meteorologist? He literally chased tornadoes. If you didn’t know that bit about his life, Melissa, do you really have any business marrying Bill?

“He really is in love with himself. I thought it was just a summer thing.” — Jo. This line is hilarious! Jo is talking about Jonas, but it’s such a great line to use whenever you’re talking about someone who just can’t seem to stop being so in love with themselves!

“…imminent rueage.” — Dusty. Seriously, this is such an awesome quote! Anytime someone is going to make a huge mistake, just whip this out and tell them it’s gonna be imminent rueage!

“Loser! Move on!” — Dusty. The scene in the movie where Dusty says this is classic, and it’s such a great line to use when joking around with someone! It’s also important to use the hand gestures with it as well haha!

“…it’s like Bob’s Road.” — Rabbit. I just love using, “Bob’s” anything when talking about something being on the generic side! And the way Rabbit delivered this line in the movie just cracks me up!

And now, my all time favorite……

“Debris?!” — Bill. A tornado tosses a combine in the road in front of Bill and Jo and she says on the radio, “We’ve got debris!” Bull’s reply is an incredulous, “Debris?!” and for some reason, that just sets me off into peals of laughter! I admit, I find the strangest things funny in movies — they’re usually super short and likely nothing anyone else would notice, but for some reason, I latch onto it and find it utterly hilarious! You can see the “Debris?!” scene here!

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#AtoZChallenge — Prince

Posted on April 24, 2023 by renbog

As someone who went to high school and college in the ’80s, I think I am required to be a Prince fan! It was certainly easy to do — his music was fun and he was edgy, and yep, sexy! Back then, I didn’t even know the word “androgynous” but Prince’s androgyny was part of his appeal. I just loved seeing him in ruffles and high heels! It helped that he was a little on the dirty side, too, because that just made it seem more fun to listen to his music, like I was doing something naughty! So, I present to you some of my absolute favorite Prince songs! How about you? Are you a fan of Prince?

And how about some music that is Prince adjacent, music I never would have explored had it not been for Prince!

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#AtoZChallenge — Ozark

Posted on April 21, 2023 by renbog

Yes, I was one of those people, absolutely obsessed with Ozark! Truly one of Jason Bateman’s best performances — he did so well in his role of Marty Byrde that when I see him in anything else now, I always think it’s Marty Byrde, not Jason Bateman. Laura Linney did so well as Wendy Byrde, too! There were many, many times I said she was more dangerous than Marty! She was absolutely chilling at times in that role! I found myself cheering for Sofia Hublitz and Skylar Gaertner as Charlotte and Jonah Byrde, wanting them to come out of their whole experience unscathed. And I especially cheered for Jonah as he became his own scary kind of bad guy! That’s what makes this show so fun, being able to cheer for the bad guys! Lisa Emery was brilliant as Darlene Snell — talk about someone who is heartless and just plain terrifying! My heart absolutely broke for Carson Holmes, who played Three Langmore. He did not deserve the life he ends up with. All he ever did was love his family, and look where he ends up (trying not to give any spoilers for anyone who hasn’t watched but would like to). Felix Solis as Omar Navarro will stay with me — in fact, the other day, I was at my mom’s house and she had Rookie Feds on, and I heard his voice and immediately, my head snapped up to look at the screen. Honestly, I react the same way when I hear someone’s cell phone chirp like a cricket — I immediately start to look around for Marty! Tom Pelphrey’s performance as Ben Davis ripped my heart out. I can’t remember the last time my emotions were so impacted by a character. In fact, I can’t talk about him anymore, it just upsets me too much!!!!

But finally, I must speak about Ruth Langmore, played by the brilliant Julia Garner. Ruth is truly one of the most complex characters I’ve ever encountered. She is so incredibly human, it’s breathtaking. She’s impossible to love, impossible to hate, easy to love, and easy to hate. She’s such a good person, and she’s such a bad person. She’s actually the only character I wanted to emerge victorious and live happily ever after.

In tribute to Ruth, here is a video of The Best of Ruth Langmore! NSFW, do not watch with kids around, which you know if you’re a fan or Ruth or Ozark!

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#AtoZChallenge — Novel

Posted on April 18, 2023 by renbog

It has been a dream of mine for as long as I can remember to write a novel. I actually started one in April 2014, and have worked on it on and off since then, but the problem I have had with it is that I am not sure where to go with it. The idea kind of came to me ala Stephenie Meyer — I had a dream. When I woke up, I immediately started making some notes and trying to flesh out the story and the characters. The title came to me in my dream, Living Without Dying. I worked on it like gangbusters, and then came to a screeching halt. And now, it’s been so long, that I worry that one of the key elements in my story. virtual reality, may be out of date. I’ve got 117 pages completed, but I am still not sure how I want it to end, and without that, I don’t have a direction to go.

Here is a synopsis I wrote of the story: (genre: women’s fiction): Some people find comfort in the familiar, in routine. Not Lianne. Despite having a wonderful marriage to a devoted husband, a daughter with a promising life ahead of her once she graduates college, a steady job, and terrific friends, Lianne yearns for more. The comfort, the familiarity is suffocating her. As she looks for ways to shake up her life, she finds herself seeking out more and more extreme experiences. Her husband Mark tries to be supportive through it all, but Lianne’s dissatisfaction with the life they have is baffling to him and it becomes harder and harder to be the supportive husband. Mark and Lianne need to find their way back to each other, but it is possible that they will be lost forever if they can’t find some way to continue living life together instead of separately at the same time.

I am also willing to share the first 4 pages. In those pages, I am trying to establish the feelings and the voices of the main characters, Lianne and Mark. Initially, I had written everything from Lianne’s point of view, but I received some feedback that told me it felt incomplete, so I added Mark’s as well. I was also told that there wasn’t a lot of sympathy for Lianne from the person who read my initial draft, so as I have come back to work on this, I have tried to make Lianne relatable, and maybe sympathetic. I want women to read Lianne’s story and get her. They may not feel sympathy for her, but I want them to at least be able to say, “I know what she means. I know what she’s talking about. I’ve been through this, too.” And then have them measure their own decisions against Lianne’s. That’s why sympathy isn’t as important to me as understanding the character — in fact, I think Lianne’s decisions aren’t super responsible, and that’s okay because that’s what I was going for.

Anyway, I hope someday to find the time and patience with myself and my process to finish this novel. It may suck, but I don’t care. I almost always write for me as opposed to other people, so that is probably the wrong attitude to have if I want to be a novelist. But writing for me has always been my creative and emotional outlet, so I guess it’s more important to me to finish my novel for me than anyone else out there.

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#AtoZChallenge — Maggie May

Posted on April 18, 2023 by renbog

If I had to compile a list of my top 10 favorite songs, “Maggie May” by Rod Stewart would be on that list, probably in the top 5.

One of the things I love about this song is the mandolin. When I was a little girl, my dad used to play the mandolin and I always loved the way it sounded. That the mandolin is featured so prominently in “Maggie May” is part of what makes the song so appealing, in my opinion. It has a unique sound to it, and it adds more character to a song than an acoustic guitar does (but make no mistake, I love acoustic guitar as well).

I also really like the story it tells. I know that Rod Stewart has said it’s based on his own experience, but it tells a good story all on its own. I feel like we’re getting a glimpse into the mind of the narrator of the song, and we get to feel torn as well, not knowing what to do, not being able to tear himself away even though he knows he should.

I think part of what also makes the song and the story so appealing to me is I really like some of the imagery and the phraseology in the song. I really enjoy digging into song lyrics. One part of the lyrics I like is, “The mornin’ sun when it’s in your face really shows your age, but that don’t worry me none, in my eyes, you’re everything.” I remember thinking that Maggie May was probably mad at him for this back-handed compliment, but he’s a young guy, so maybe he didn’t realize how back-handed it was. This verse, “All I needed was a friend to lend a guiding hand, but you turned into a lover, and mother, what a lover, you wore me out! All you did was wreck my bed, and in the morning, kick me in the head.
Oh, Maggie, I couldn’t have tried any more,” also appeals to me because I like the way Rod Stewart sings it. He sounds playful and loving when he sings this verse. It always brings a smile to my face when I hear this part of the song! This verse as well also seems to tug at my heartstrings, too, because he sounds so lost: “I suppose I could collect my books and get on back to school, or steal my daddy’s cue and make a living out of playin’ pool, or find myself a rock and roll band that needs a helpin’ hand. Oh Maggie, I wish I’d never seen your face.” He sounds stuck in love, and he knows he should do something different, but he just can’t.

Maybe I am over-analyzing this song, but that’s okay! It’s one I can listen to anytime it comes on. I sing it at the top of my lungs, no matter how lousy my voice is! Take a listen for yourself, and maybe you’ll have a new appreciation for this song that so sweetly expresses how it feels to be in love with someone you know you shouldn’t but you can’t help it!

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