The View from the Cheap Seats

At the start line — definitely feeling a bit of consternation!

Crossing the finish line. I’ve never done that before!

I did my very first 5K today in 56:29.  That’s not even close to the time I wanted for my first 5K — I was hoping for like 45 minutes or less.  But I also expected to be running in the cold, not in the first big snowstorm of the season.  There were wet roads (runnable), there were slushy brick roads (runnable), there were neighborhood streets that hadn’t been plowed in a while (mostly runnable), and then there was the I & M Canal trail — with a good 5 inches of snow on it.  I tried to run it, truly, but it was like when I trained for my Grand Canyon hike at the Dunes.  Like running in sand.  I called it the “polar” opposite of the Warrior Dash 🙂  But I finished it, so I don’t really care how “slow” my time was.  I also ended up getting a medal (2nd place in my women’s age group — and yes, there were only 2 women in my age group LOL).  The next 5K I run, I will do so much better — and I’ll likely be able to say I shaved 15 minutes off my previous time!!!!!!!  I would also be remiss if I forgot to say that I am more grateful than anyone realizes to some pretty kick-ass cheerleaders — my husband for being so encouraging through everything; my friend Emily who has ridiculously blind faith in all of my abilities; my colleagues Ted and Katie who are real runners but they waited in the cold and snow for me to cross that finish line — I am humbled!  And my buddy Ron who was pleasantly surprised to discover I was out there running in the snow, and actually sent Emily out to check on me when he was worried I was taking too long ❤ ❤ ❤  I may not have actually “run” my first 5K, but I had so much fun!!!!!!!

With Katie and Ted, proudly wearing our medals!

As a new runner, I am learning so many new things.  Here are just a few.

My body is capable of so much more than I realized.  I’m almost 47, I’m pretty overweight, but I can run 2 miles (even 3 miles).  It might not be pretty.  It might not be fast.  But I can do it.

My mind is capable of so much more than I realized.  I can actually defeat the negative self-talk I often fill my head with.  All the times I say, “It’s too early to go to the gym.  I want to sleep.  I’m too tired.  I’m too fat.  It’s too hard.  I can’t.  I’ll just try this tomorrow.  You’re not good at this,” I have found that I can also say, “You got plenty of sleep last night.  You’ll feel good about this when you’re done.  You can do this because you’ve done it before.  Who cares how you look doing this — you’re doing this!!!”

The mental hurdles are way, way, way, way way bigger than the physical hurdles.

The right music makes running so much easier.

I wasn’t afraid of skunks when I ran in the dark until someone reminded me there are skunks.

I really, really like declines!  All of them!

You know the line from the movie, “Every time you hear a bell, an angel gets it’s wings?” or something along those lines?  Well, I have determined that every time there is a wind gust, somewhere there is a runner running up a hill with the wind in his/her face.

Wind changes direction to always be blowing in my face no matter which direction I run.  It never seems to be at my back.

Endorphins are the best.

Here’s a video I have seen a few times that a friend of mine posted this morning that always motivates me because I can identify with lots of the things said in it.  I will never be the hard-core athletes seen in this video, but I can adopt the same attitude.

This morning I got up with the intention of running for a mile then doing a combination of walking/running for another 2 miles. I was going to use my outdoor route. I like running outside better than inside, especially in the cool weather. Strange, considering what a hot-weather girl I am…. But I digress.

I have run a mile before, just a few weeks ago. I have run a mile and a half before, a little over a week ago. Both of these feats (and they really are feats for me) happened on an indoor track. Nice and flat, no wind, no goose poop. Today’s mile was going to be my first outdoor mile. I was nervous because it was breezy and a little misty at times.

But I hit the pavement. I managed to get the mile in pretty easily, all things considered. But as I hit that mile mark, I decided to change my course of action for today and decided to try for two miles straight. And dammit, I did it! I have never run 2 miles in my life. Ever. And I did it today. Outside, with little inclines, with wind, with mist, with almost 47 years on my life, and with excess weight on my frame. I may not have looked pretty running, but by God, I did it. I can’t even begin to put into words how I felt when I finished it. I don’t care that I have a really slow pace. I don’t care that I don’t look pretty when I’m running. I ran 2 miles without stopping to walk, without any significant calf, heel, or shin pain, and without any doubts that I can do this 5K in a little under a month!

A new struggle is erupting in my mind in my quest to run my first 5K in the middle of December.  I do two different running routines: one is what I call an “easy run”.  The other is what I call a “hard run.”  The easy run is a 2 mile run-walk using the C25K app.  I follow the routine in the app except when I get to the cool down, I run it instead of walk it.  I can accomplish those 2 miles in roughly 30 minutes.  The hard run is a 3 mile walk-run.  I always start by running a full mile, then I decide how to handle the last 2 miles, but I always try to get plenty of running in, enough that I am running at least 2 of the 3 miles.  This usually takes me closer to 50 – 55 minutes.  Now, I know that I am probably running slower on the hard days to conserve energy because I know I have further to go, but I am having a hard time getting over the mental hurdle of being more tolerant of the (slow) pace of a 15 minute mile and less tolerant of the (even slower) pace of an 18 minute mile.  I need to eventually get to the point where I can run 3 miles, not combo run-walk it, so I keep telling myself the pace right now doesn’t matter; all that matters is that I can run the race and finish it.  But I also keep telling myself that running the race in 50 minutes isn’t good enough; 45 minutes needs to be the max.  Boy, I talk to myself a lot, don’t I?????

Keeping my eyes on the prize…..

I’m amazed at how significant the mental part of this process is.  I knew the physical part would be challenging, but I never counted on having so many self-doubting thoughts or continuing to think what I am doing isn’t good enough.  Preparing myself for this is pushing me physically, and it sure is pushing me mentally, too!

I am more determined than ever to run a 5K.  It is amazing what a little taste of success will do for a person!  Since running my mile last week on Tuesday and Thursday, I find myself feeling confident in my potential.

Today I decided to push myself a little bit.  Instead of running my mile, I decided to try to push it to a mile and a half.  I hadn’t run since Tuesday, so I was feeling that a little as I started.  My calves really started to cramp up.  I could hear one part of my brain saying, “This hurts.  It’s too hard.  Just stop and walk and try to run again tomorrow or Sunday.  It’s okay to not run today.  It’s been a few days.  Your calves hurt.  Just walk.”  I could also hear the other part of my brain saying, “Just keep running through the pain, Renée.  You’ve had this pain before.  You’re not injuring yourself.  You know it will go away.  You’re just being lazy and making excuses.  If you want to be a runner, you have to keep running.  Ignore the pain.  Listen to your music.”  It was like the devil and the angel on my shoulder, each tempting me to do one thing.  I really wanted to listen to the devil, but I knew the angel was making sense so I kept on running.

I finished my mile and a half.  What a freaking confidence boost!

I wanted to keep going, but I feared I would push myself too hard, so I walked for the next half mile.

When I hit mile 2, I decided to run another half mile.  I wanted to do another full mile, but again, I didn’t want to push myself to the point where I could be risking injury, so I help myself to that half mile.

I walked my last half mile.

It was during that last half mile that I told myself I was absolutely capable of this.  I was already formulating plans in my mind on how to get more running in during the week so I could COMMIT to a 5K on December 14.  My friend Emily works for Ottawa Elementary Schools, and they are holding their very first 5K in December.  Last week I was thinking of maybe doing it.  Today, I decided I AM doing it. (Interested?  Here’s a link: http://oes141.eventbrite.com/)

I always knew that the mental aspect of any physical activity was significant, but I am discovering for myself just how truly significant it really is.  I have to work unbelievably hard to push the negative, “Give it up,” thoughts out of my head and stay focused on the positive, “You’ve done this before, you can do it again,” thoughts.

Wait, did I just publicly commit to a 5K??????

When I was young, like maybe age 10 or so, my dad used to run all the time.  This was in the Jim Fixx era, for those who remember him.  My dad trained to run a marathon, and I used to ride my bike with him when he would go running.  It was hard work — he would go on long runs, and we were in Omaha, so there were abundant hills.  It was great daddy-daughter bonding time.  I got to watch him run his first (and only) marathon.  I was agog at his medal.  It never occurred to me that I could run with him, but it sure looked like fun, especially when you can get a medal!

I joined the track team when I was s sophomore in high school.  That was my “join everything” year.  I got involved in all sorts of school activities.  I was not at all athletic, so sports like basketball and volleyball were not choices for me.  But I figured I could do track.  It was running.  Short distances.  I could do that, easy.  My parents bought me kick-ass track spikes.  We would practice in the parking lot; we didn’t have a track.  One lap around the parking lot was close to a 400.  When I ran that parking lot, I ended up getting terrible shin splints.  I would have to keep running that parking lot until I made time, which I never seemed to be able to do because my shins hurt so bad.  I think I attended only one meet and then I quit the team.

A few years ago I went with my cousin to watch him run his very first half marathon (which turned out to be the first of many he ran).  I was in awe of the runners I saw there, including my cousin.  I sat on Lake Shore Drive and watched Pete and everyone else run by me and was envious that they could run like that.  When I saw my cousin’s medal, I was so inspired I decided I wanted to run a half-marathon.  I had a year to prepare for it.  I was working out, just not running.  So I just needed to change up my exercise routine.

I told people I wanted to run a half marathon.  One person flat out told me I couldn’t do it.  I was too fat to do it.  He didn’t say it in those exact words, but by telling me how taxing it would be on my body, how much stress it would put on my heart, and then saying, “I don’t think you can realistically do it,” told me enough — too fat to run that kind of race.  Truth be told, I wasn’t completely unconvinced he wasn’t right.  But I tried.  I ran on the treadmill and I had terrible shin splints.  So I started running on the indoor track at the park district and I started practicing with the track kids I helped coach sometimes, and I often stayed after practice to run on the outdoor track.  I got shin splints.  I bought new shoes from an experienced running shoe dealer.  I tied my shoes in a special way.  I went to a podiatrist and paid bingo bucks for custom-made orthotics.  I did the stretches my podiatrist gave me.  I lived with bags of frozen peas strapped to my legs (or so it seemed).  I had frozen Dixie cups of ice in my freezer to ice my shins.  My friend Emily ran outside with me to help spur me on.  I got shin splints over and over and over again.  I tried running through the pain.  It got worse.  I finally stopped when I was suffering so terribly that I was limping down the hall at work.  I was nearly crippling myself to keep running.  But the words of my friend, “You can’t do it,” ended up ringing true.  I couldn’t do it.  So I quit.  I kept working out, but I quit running.

I developed a new circle of friends once I started attending Blackhawks games regularly with my husband Jim.  Many of them like to run, especially 5Ks.  Many of my coworkers are also runners, again mostly 5Ks.  Somewhere along the line, Jim became inspired to run a 5K so he started running.  I would ask him if he ever had any pain while running.  Nope, none beyond the normal strain you would feel from running.  He ran inconsistently and in crappy shoes, and he completed the Hot Chocolate 5K this past weekend in less than 45 minutes.  Pretty damn good for a guy in his mid-40s, who is overweight like me, and who runs inconsistently and drinks a lot of beer.

And I was jealous.  I’ve been jealous since the moment he signed up to run that damn race because I knew he was going to do it.  I’ve wanted to be a runner most of my life, and whenever I tried, I ended up saying, “I can’t.”  So jealous.  Irrationally and childishly jealous.  So mature, I know, but I’m being honest here.

So I decided to try this crap again one more time.  I started doing little run-walk routines outside.  I tried 30 seconds on a treadmill and my shins screamed.  But I found that when I was outside, the shins didn’t protest much at all.  Well, this was new.  No shin pain????  But I discovered that I was having trouble with my calves and my Achilles cramping up.  In my head, all I could think was, “Really?  Another obstacle?”  But I plodded along and plodded along, running much more like a hippo than a gazelle, but I have slowly pushed my way through the pain as long as it didn’t feel like I was injuring myself.  I’ve secretly been using the C25K app and alternating run/walk days with cardio/strength training days for a little bit now.  Last week on Tuesday I decided to try something I hadn’t done in probably 30 years: I decided to run a mile.  And I did it.  One mile without stopping to walk.  I tried it again on Thursday, and I did it.  A mile.  No stopping to walk.   This made me raise my eyebrows and think, “Maybe?????”  Today, I tried it again.  And I did it again.  And what a mental hurdle that was!  Now I believe it’s just a matter of time.  Now I believe that running a 5K with my husband is something I can do.  I just need to continue to make my slow but steady progress.  I need to run through the pain that isn’t injurious pain.  I need to constantly remind myself that I have done this already, so when I’m huffing and puffing and wanting to stop, I can give myself a mental kick in the ass.

I’m taking a huge risk by posting this because what if something happens and I fail?  There is still a shadow of a doubt in the back corner of my brain.  If I don’t accomplish this, I will look like a fool to every person who bothered to read this.  I will look like a quitter.

But right now, as I sit here with my Achilles a little achy and my hips a little achy, I am damn determined to be the girl who gets off the bike and runs.  Be the girl who ends up being worth the investment in those expensive track spikes.  Be the girl who runs like a, well… a gazippo.  Be the girl who can run.