I had a good morning at CrossFit! I hit a milestone! We were working on building up to a one-rep max deadlift, and I was able to do 100 pounds! (Truth be told, I may have been able to add weight to that, but we ran out of time, so that just means another milestone for another day.)

Now, if you’re friends with me on Facebook, you may have seen me post last week that I hit a personal best deadlift of 70 pounds. And now you’re probably wondering how I was able to go from 70 to 100 pounds in a week. Well, here are some things to know.

Last week, when I hit the 70 pound PR, we were doing (I think) 5 sets of 3 (or 3 sets of 5 — regardless, we had multiples to do). When doing a set, the weight is usually different. The idea behind a one-rep max is just that — it’s the most weight you can do (keeping proper form and safe, of course) just one time. According to my app, with a previous personal best of 70 pounds, my one-rep max was about 79 pounds. But I wanted to aim for a round number of 80. When I got to 80, I realized I could do more than one rep, so I knew I had to go heavier. That’s how I built myself to 100.

There’s a lot going on in my head when I workout. My success is slow for 3 reasons:

1.) Strength. It has taken me some time to really build my strength. I had not used barbells or done any kind of serious weight lifting before starting CrossFit. I needed to really start building those muscles and learning and focusing on form.

2. Confidence. I don’t have loads of it. I get intimidated very easily. All the people I go to class with are AMAZING and I am so inspired and impressed by them! One guy, last week, deadlifted 440 pounds — WHAT?????? So sometimes I allow myself to be intimidated by the people around me, and I know I shouldn’t do that. But it’s my imposter syndrome at work — there’s a little naggy voice in the deep parts of the back of my mind telling me I’m not like them, I’m not the same, I’m not going to ever be as good as them, I don’t belong, etc. The good news is that as I am having success and getting props from my classmates and positive feedback from my coach, my confidence is building, which is enabling me to try for bigger goals.

3. Trust. The real crux of the matter is I do not trust my body. Before my back surgery in 2019, I trusted my body but not necessarily my mind. My hurdles were mostly mental. After my surgery, I know I’ve got the mental strength but I struggle to believe my body can do things or will let me do things safely. I worry that I am going to get hurt or I am going to fall, and so I tend to proceed with extreme caution, so I progress verrrrrry slowwwwwlllly. I don’t think I will ever trust my body again, but if my strength and confidence continue to build, I believe I will continue to push myself despite the lack of trust I have in my own body to protect me.

But hey, I did something really cool today. I’m on a bit of a high because of it. 100 pounds. I’m proud of myself and the work I’m doing. Next time, I’ll ask my coach to grab a video of me. Because next time, I’ll be able to do more than 100 pounds. I’m confident of that!