All the brouhaha over Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert’s divorce got me to thinking….
Side note: I really don’t care one bit about their divorce. Personally, any time a marriage is held up to the spotlight as fairy tale perfect like theirs was, you’ve got a recipe for disaster. But I digress.
There are rumors that Miranda cheated on Blake, and there are rumors that Blake cheated on Miranda. So it sounds like there was cheating involved. Probably not a shocker. It is almost universally assumed that if a spouse cheats, a divorce is soon to follow. But does it have to? Is infidelity an absolute deal breaker?
My husband and I long ago made a deal that if either one of us ever cheated on the other, we would never, ever tell each other that we cheated. We both really believe that telling your spouse you cheated is only to relieve the cheating party from their guilty conscience, and if you cheated, you should have to live with that guilt as your consequence for cheating.
Some people think that’s a ridiculous deal. They talk about vows and honesty. I get that. I made vows on my wedding day just like everyone else did. And if I screwed up those vows, I have to live with that for the rest of my life. And don’t get me started on honesty. Honesty is the best policy? I call BS. How many little white lies do we tell every day? Sometimes honesty is just plain mean and hurtful and should not be spoken aloud. Case in point: I’m a teacher. But I’m also human. Do you think I like every single kid I have encountered in my 25 year career? But more importantly — do you think any kid I didn’t like KNOWS I felt that way about him or her? Absolutely not. How crappy would it be to be honest and tell a kid or a kid’s parent that I kinda find a kid annoying? Some things deserve to be tucked away and never spoken of.
So, what if one day my husband changed his mind and decided to come clean and tell me he cheated or I discover it because he didn’t cover his tracks appropriately? (For the record: he has NOT cheated on me — or at least, he has covered his tracks really well if he has!) I can tell you, the way I feel right now at my kitchen table typing this, it would hurt but it’s not a deal breaker. I’ve spent almost 25 years married to this guy, more than 25 years being in a relationship with him, a bit over 21 years raising a child with him, and if I’m being truthful, about 3 years being really, really great friends with him. I want to scrap all that over sex? I’d rather understand what led to the infidelity and then figure out how to keep that from happening again. My marriage is made up of so much more than just sex. The history is too rich to let one thing destroy it.
Maybe Blake and Miranda don’t have that because they were only married for 4 years. Maybe there isn’t enough glue there to keep them from breaking apart. But I think that glue comes not from the years put into the relationship but the attitude a person takes about the relationship. Divorce should not be taken lightly. Sure, there are some things that are big “nopes” in my marriage. If my husband was an abusive asshole, he’s getting a big ol’ goodbye. But I’ve never had the attitude that my marriage is disposable, even in the early years, which were kind of rough for us. I’ve never thought of infidelity as a reason to end my marriage.
Maybe that’s just me. And maybe I’m an idiot about this. But it seems to me that there really are worse things.