It’s a new year, and it’s off to a great start! I am progressing really well in my weight loss. I hope you enjoy this update!
I saw my surgeon in the beginning of December for my 3 month post op checkup, and he was happy with my progress so far! He set my goal weight at 178. Not sure how that weight gets chosen — the nurse said it’s computer generated. I assume it must use some algorithm that takes into consideration things like age, gender, and what’s considered a healthy BMI (and yes, I know all sorts of issues with BMI — I don’t particularly care for BMI, but it’s what is used, so I’m stuck with it). I’m pleased with this choice of goal weight. Many moons ago when I was able to lose a lot of weight following Weight Watchers, I kind of got stuck in the 175 range and couldn’t seem to budge from that, so I am hopeful that I can get to that weight again and maintain it.
I am well on the way, as I have recently entered onederland! If you’re not familiar with that term, it’s used by people who have been on a weight loss journey when they finally have their weight start with a 1. I’ve never really been hung up on sharing/not sharing my weight, as it’s just a number, not anything that is indicative of my personal value or worth. When I saw my surgeon for the first time in July 2022, I weighed 265. The morning of my surgery in September 2022, I weighed 240.2. This morning, I weighed 197.
My clothes are definitely an issue. Before surgery, I was wearing size 22. I didn’t have much in that size; I was still trying to squeeze myself into size 20. Now I am finding that my size 18 clothes are starting to get big on me. I have been able to shop in the regular sized section of stores — I don’t have to go to the plus sized section. I can fit into size XL. I even was able to go into some cute little local boutiques and find clothes for myself. It has been fun, but I’ll be honest, I suffer from a bit of body dysmorphia. I know I am losing weight, but I have a hard time seeing it or feeling it. I still feel like the 265 pound woman I was months ago, and I often look at clothes before I buy them and think, “No way I can ever wear that — it is too small.” But when I try it on, it fits! It’s like my brain doesn’t believe what it sees in the mirror. That being said, I always have a bit of an issue with fit for bottoms because I’ve got this belly. Yeah, there’s still some fat there, but a lot of it is now loose skin. I also am seeing loose skin on my arms and legs. My boobs have gotten smaller, too, but they’re also now a bit saggier as well. I did not start this weight loss journey to look good — it is seriously all about being healthy. But sometimes, the loose skin bothers me. And I still have close to another 25 pounds to go.
Food is an enigma. I cannot eat a lot, that’s for sure! And when I do, I am really nauseous. But I am able to eat pretty much anything I want. Things like carbs (bread, potatoes) and sugar (yes, candy, cake, cookies) don’t seem to bother me at all. Honestly, I was kind of hoping they would because sugar is my bugaboo. I would LOVE a magic pill that makes me dislike sugary foods! So I have to be really careful because I can easily still scarf down sugary foods a little bit at a time and ruin all my hard work. I have had some alcohol as well — pretty much just wine, but not much. I usually sip one glass over a long time, like 2, 3, or 4 hours. I can also seem to tolerate carbonated drinks as well, but I have not really allowed myself to drink much of those. I may have one Diet Coke a week or every 10 days. I know soda isn’t good for me, so I try to avoid it and really just focus on water. I have some distorted thinking when it comes to food, too. For instance, at Christmas, as I was making my plate, I found myself thinking how I was depriving myself because I couldn’t eat as much of the food that I wanted. I have to talk to myself, reminding myself that I am NOT being deprived, that my body will only allow me to physically eat a certain amount, and that I will NOT feel deprived after I am done eating. It’s a mind game I have to play with myself at so many meals. I had become so used to overeating that my brain is still trying to learn what is normal to eat. And if I am being totally honest, food doesn’t bring me much joy anymore. I used to really enjoy going out to dinner and having an appetizer and an entree and a dessert and some wine or a martini. Now, I rarely have anything to drink, including water, with a meal, I may have one bite of an appetizer, I never finish an entree, and I either skip dessert or mooch a bite off someone else’s plate. It’s just not fun to eat anymore. It’s functional. Maybe that’s how it was always supposed to be.
Physically, I have noticed that moving around is easier. My balance has improved. It’s still not good because I still have the neuropathy in both feet. But I’m definitely stronger. I don’t tire out as easily from normal, everyday moving around. I don’t have to use my cane for going up and down the stairs. In fact, I did something recently I never thought I would be able to do — I was able to carry my grandson upstairs! I literally take it one step at a time, like a toddler, but I can do it! I don’t feel stable enough to carry him down the stairs yet, but that’s okay! I love feeling strong. I am actually starting to love and appreciate my body again. It has been a few years since I was able to do that. I am so glad because it is pretty miserable when you don’t love the body you have, when you feel trapped and limited by it, when you feel betrayed by it. It can lead you to some pretty dark places.
So while my journey is going well, I still have things to work on and growth to achieve. I still feel like this is the best decision I have ever made. I am happy with what I have done so far. I am grateful for the success I have had.