I’m sure most of us are familiar with the iconic song by the Rolling Stones with the chorus, “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need.” I actually had this sentiment manifest itself big time to me last night.

Organically through a text conversation I had yesterday with my former boss, Nick, he shared with me that the pastor at his church did a sermon that made him think of me and the challenges I faced in 2019 after my back surgery debacle. (If you’re interested in the sermon, here’s the link; it should start at the beginning of his sermon, and it’s pretty long, but he’s a pretty engaging speaker so it’s a good watch/listen.) A brief summary: the pastor has been dealing with some unresolved pain issues and he shares a bit about how the Holy Spirit helps him (and us) when we go through hard times and challenges. He talks about how the Holy Spirit bears the pain and hurt with us and that the Holy Spirit prays with us and for us when we suffer. And the Holy Spirit, being part of the Trinity, knows God’s will and knows us more intimately than we know ourselves. He spoke about how helpful it is to have the Holy Spirit praying with us and for us because there are times we don’t know what to even ask for in our prayers. His sermon really struck a chord with me. Here’s why.

First, I don’t talk much about my faith in or relationship with God publicly. For me, it’s quite personal, and I don’t always understand it well, so I prefer to keep it all in my own mind and heart in general. So as I try to explain this, I may fumble it a bit, and I’m being extremely vulnerable, for what any of that is worth.

The first 2 weeks after my back surgery, I was pretty much in a state of shock, just trying to absorb what happened, what my current state was, and how I might move forward. Once I started rehab, both inpatient and day rehab, my mindset changed quickly. And those of you who know me and saw me as I went through my recovery probably saw me working hard but being positive. You likely didn’t see the struggles I had when I was alone, especially at night because I wasn’t sleeping well at all for literally months. I was actually quite depressed for a good amount of time, going to some really dark places in my mind. I ended up in counseling and on an anti-depressant for quite a while. My body would be exhausted in ways I never dreamed it could be and there were times I felt like I would never regain my independence. There were times I hated my body. There were even times I thought I might actually be better off not living anymore. Almost no one knew how utterly sad I was. Not even my husband. I would pray often. One of my prayers was, “Help me.” That was it. I didn’t even know what to ask for. I just needed help. Another prayer was, “Make me better.” But I didn’t know for sure what “better” meant or looked like. I always just assumed “better” meant the way I was before the surgery. A third prayer was, “Please make this easier for me.” But I always meant physically easier because I guess I thought if it was easier, then I was getting better.

Did I get better? Did it get easier? Those questions are not easy to answer. No, but yes.

No: I did not recover back to how I was before surgery. I still have neuropathy in both feet which means I still have issues with gait, strength, stamina, and balance. I have pain and cramping in my legs, feet, and ankles if I don’t get the seemingly exact right amount of activity — too little and I get the pain and cramping, too much and I get the pain and cramping. Because of all that, no, things are not easier.

BUT…enter the Holy Spirit.

When we say the “Our Father,” one line is, “Thy will be done.” And how many of us say that when we pray — God’s will be done. But do we really mean it, or do we really understand what it means? As humans, we often assume that God’s will and our will are one in the same, and if we don’t get what we want, then God isn’t answering our prayers. But the Holy Spirit prays with us and for us and knows God’s plan and God’s will, so when the Holy Spirit prays for us, it’s almost like our prayers are “edited” to align with God’s plan and will. God doesn’t provide for us what we want; He provides what we need. So when the Holy Spirit prays with us and for us, the prayer is for us to get what we need from God.

I am so grateful that the Holy Spirit was with me during that time because I know now that my prayers were answered because I got what I needed. I needed the following things, whether I consciously knew it or not:

• To walk again unassisted
• To be able to climb stairs
• To be able to do things on my own, like dress myself and go to the bathroom
• To exercise
• To be able to get on the ground to play with my grandson and get back up again
• To chase my grandson around and hold his hand as he walks with me
• To pick up my grandson and carry him
• To dance with my husband at my daughter’s wedding
• To feel strong
• To appreciate my body again

This is what God did for me when I prayed, “Help me.” This is what God did when I prayed, “Make me better.” This is what God did for me when I prayed, “Make it easier.” He answered my prayers with what I needed, not what I thought I wanted. I could have never gotten what I needed or seen that I got what I needed without the intercession of the Holy Spirit.

This is an important lesson for me to learn because as the pastor says in his sermon, challenges, pain, suffering will happen again and again and again. Bible passages liken it to childbirth — there’s pain and it gets intense until it results in a new life, and for us, that new life will be our life with Christ. It will be a life without pain and suffering, so we need to understand that the pain we experience here in our earthbound life is building us up for a better life. The pastor also likened it to a smith forging gold, heating the gold bar up gradually, and with increased heat, the impurities coming out of the gold until what is left is a gleaming, perfect bar. We are that bar of gold, all the impurities being removed as we experience more heat and pressure in life until ultimately, a new, perfect version of ourselves will exist, ready to be with God.

I don’t want to suffer again. I know I will, though. I don’t know what hardships lay ahead of me. I hope they’re not the horrific hardships of my nightmares. But God knows what my future holds, He knows what trials I will face, and He already has a plan for me. So when they come, I am going to have to rely, even unconsciously, on the Holy Spirit within me to help me again by praying with me and for me, especially when I don’t know what to pray for. I am so grateful for the lesson I learned last night. God knows me and knows what I need.