My Journey Back: What Happened???

Today, I begin a series of blog posts (that I’m sure some of you just KNEW were coming!) about this journey I have been on for the past few weeks. It’s not a journey I wanted or chose for myself. It is not a fun journey. But it is one I must face.

Like many middle aged, overweight women with a decent sized bust, I’ve had back pain on an off. I have attributed that back pain to the aforementioned conditions as well as things like sleeping in a funny position or over-exerting myself when I exercise. I had a lot of back pain when I was in London in July which I attributed to hours on my feet while touring and sleeping in a pretty uncomfortable bed for a week.

A few weeks after getting home from London, I left for Key West. August 1st, to be exact. My back was a little sore that morning. By the time I got off the plane in Atlanta, I was in a lot of pain, walking quite slowly. The next day, I was still in bad pain, walking very slowly, pretty much hunched over. I thought maybe a massage might help, so I had one. No luck. The next day, a Saturday, I started to notice that my legs felt weak and heavy and feet felt a little numb. I still had pain when walking, but now I had a hard time picking my feet up off the ground. I had to pull myself up stairs with my arms, using the railing, and I could barely lift my legs to get into an Uber. I started really needing assistance for walking. The next day, a Sunday, I started to worry about my journey home on Monday. I went to a quick care in Key West just to get something to mitigate the pain enough to let me walk a little easier. I was given prescription strength ibuprofen, a muscle relaxer, and percoset. To give you an idea of how much pain I was in, I took all those drugs and they had no effect at all. Jim arranged for wheelchairs for me at Atlanta and Midway because there was no way I would be able to walk anywhere in those airports. We got home late Monday night. I literally crawled up the stairs to bed on my hands and knees.

The next day, August 6, I saw a doctor about my back. He showed no chill at all when he discovered I had bilateral foot drop. It was scary how aghast he was. He showed me an X-ray of my back, showing how L2-4 were way out of line, looking more like stair steps, and how those vertebra were pushing things all out of whack in my back, causing the pain and the foot drop. Diagnosed with severe spinal stenosis, I now faced surgery to fuse L2-4 and have a laminectomy of those vertebra as well. I was admitted to the hospital that afternoon. After an MRI, CT scan, and an EMG, it was confirmed that the culprit was indeed the spinal stenosis causing the issue and surgery was a go on August 8.

Here’s where things get a bit foggy because I don’t remember much of what I am about to share. I was taken back for surgery that afternoon. But during surgery, something happened where signal was lost to some important nerve (SSEP?), so the surgery was stopped. The fusion was complete. The laminectomy was started but not finished. The doctor wanted to check the nerve issue, but I guess that in order to do that, I could not have any anesthesia in my body, so I was given narcan to reverse the effects and given an MRI and CT scan. Whatever the doctor saw prompted him to contact doctors at Rush to take over the rest of the surgery. I was transported by ambulance to Rush where the doctors there ran more tests, determined that whatever the issue was before was no longer an issue, and proceeded to open me back up to finish the laminectomy. I remember the following things: going to surgery, being in a white, fluffy thing (which is apparently the inflatable thingy they used to move me), a siren (assuming from my ambulance ride), and throwing up twice and apologizing to two pretty nurses foe throwing up (they turned out to be my overnight ICU nurses). I woke up, surprised to find myself in a hospital with a fabulous view of the Chicago skyline. My back pain was gone, but I could not feel my feet or move them. Doctors would come in and tell me to wiggle my toes and I knew damn well they didn’t wiggle and the doctors would say, Good job.” I hated that. I was told that there was nothing they could see that was causing the issue with my feet, but that there was also nothing preventing a recovery of movement or feeling in my feet, but that could take at least a year or even more to return. The nerves just were too damaged and time and therapy would be necessary.

I spent August 6 – 9 at Silver Cross hospital, August 9 – 14 at Rush hospital, and August 14 – September 4 back at Silver Cross in inpatient rehab. I was released home on September 4 and am getting ready to start my last official full week of day rehab (3 hours of therapy, 5 days a week). I’m not sure what happens after this week, but my status as of today is that I have movement in my feet and toes, but the numbness remains. I can walk haltingly with a walker. I can stand for very short times (measured in seconds) unassisted. My legs are weak so I put a lot of weight on my hands and arms to support myself when I walk. I stretch, I do strengthening exercises, I do upper body work, I stand, and I walk — all in an effort to be able to learn to stand and walk again on my own like I could in July.

I have been supported by a massive group of friends, family, and coworkers in ways I could never have imagined possible as I go through all of this. That support system has been invaluable to my recovery work.

I did not ask for this to happen to me. But it did and I have no choice but to work the hardest I have ever worked in my life to get myself back to normal. It is the longest journey I have ever faced, and the most uncertain journey as well.

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Happy Mother’s Day?

Today is Mother’s Day, a day where we celebrate our moms and mother figures as well as a day where moms and mother figures reflect on the relationships they have with their children and those they regard as children. Which brings me to a story.

Today, I was in a checkout line in a grocery store. There was a woman behind me with two young kids. The store was busy and crowded, but that wasn’t unexpected for a Sunday afternoon. I heard the woman behind me say presumable to both her kids, “If you bump into that woman in front of you in line, I will leave you in the parking lot.” I didn’t hear the kids respond in any way, and since they were behind me, I couldn’t see their reactions, either. But I did kind of shake my head and roll my eyes as I thought to myself, “What a nasty thing to say to your child.” Then one of them must have come close to bumping into me because I heard the mom say, “That’s it. Move over here.” I heard a child’s voice then but couldn’t make out what was said. But the next thing I heard was the mom saying, “You know what, just go find another mom.” I was shocked, disgusted, and saddened.

I will fully admit, I didn’t say anything to the mom. I didn’t know what exactly to say. I had no idea how to say, “What the hell is wrong with you? Today is Mother’s Day and this is how you speak to your kids? You are a disgusting specimen of a mother.”

Should I have said something or done something? Examine your own mind and heart, and honestly, honestly, what would you have done? Would you have just been disgusted and silent like I was? Or would you have spoken up? If so, what would you have said or done? I guess I’m trying to figure out what my course of action should be if I ever encounter this situation again.

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#IWSG — Language Has Power

This post is for the Insecure Writer’s Support Group. The question for this month is, “What was an early experience where you learned that language had power?” And I had to really stop and think about that. I think that it happened when I was a little girl, reading all the Little House books by Laura Ingalls Wilder. I read all of those books more than once. I couldn’t get enough of them. I was fascinated by the Ingalls family and the life they lived. I would get lost in their family dynamics and the kind of world they lived in, traveling in buggies, riding horses, growing their own food, living in a cabin. It fascinated me and whenever I read those books, I was lost for a little bit of time with Laura and Mary, annoyed by Nellie and Willie, and warmed by Ma and Pa’s love.

I didn’t realize at that time that language has power. It wasn’t until I got older and realized what reading those words did to me that I realized the power of language, that it can evoke emotion and transport me to different places and times and introduce me to new people.

When I write now, that’s what I hope to do, especially with the novel I’ve been working on for so long. I want to make people feel things, or take them to different places, or introduce them to new people.

That’s the power of language, without even realizing it has that power.

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#BloggingAtoZ — Zero F’s

My final post is a list of 10 things I give zero F’s about (can’t use the actual F word — when I signed up to do this, I said my blog did not contain adult language or content, so I’m assuming you know what I mean). These 10 things are my opinion and I don’t care at all what people think about them. Hence, zero F’s.

1.) How other people think I look in a swimsuit. I’m overweight, I have cellulite, I have stretch marks, and I wear 2 piece swim suits. One piece suits are a pain to wear, especially if I have to go to the bathroom. So I wear 2 piece suits.

2.) What people think of my tattoos. I have 15 of them. I was once told the only people who have tattoos are junkies and whores. This was a family member who said this, too. Well, too bad if you don’t like tattoos. I do.

3.) My running pace time. Well, I care about it enough to make sure I can do a race, but as far as what other runners think of my 14 minute miles, nope, zero F’s. My mile is just as long as your mile, Mister or Miss 7-Minute-Mile. My marathon medal after 8 hours on the course means the exact same thing as the medal for the person who finished in 4 hours.

4.) Wearing jeans to work. Some people think it is unprofessional for teachers to wear jeans to work. I’ve been teaching for 28 years, and I’ve decided I’m going to wear jeans anytime I want. They are always clean and nice (like not ripped up or with holes in them), so if I want to wear jeans, I will.

5.) Superhero movies. I’ve not seen any of the Batman movies, Spiderman movies, Avenger movies, whatever. I didn’t like any of that when I was a kid, so I don;t care about it now. But you go enjoy it.

6.) My political opinions. I’m pretty liberal, and I a not in any way, shape, or form a fan of our current POTUS. I’ve been called names — vile names — and vilified for my political leanings, most often by family members, and it has come to the point where it makes me laugh.

7.) My pension. Teachers in Illinois are constantly being attacked for their fat pensions. There are indeed some teachers who retired with exorbitant pensions because of loopholes that were exploited. Those loopholes have long since been closed, but we have a horrid financial crisis as a result. Plenty of people are critical of teachers getting a pension, but I don’t care. I have worked for almost 3 decades as a teacher and have readily accepted lower pay than other professional counterparts. When I retire, I want my pension. I’ve earned it. I’ve paid into it every paycheck like I am required to do. It’s my retirement money, and if you think I don;t deserve it, I really don’t care because I know I do deserve it.

8.) Toxic family members. I’ve got plenty of them. And I’ve decided they aren’t worth my energy — negative or positive. If I don’t matter to them, then why should they matter to me? It used to hurt me when family members treated me horribly, but not anymore. Just go do your thing and I’ll do mine.

9.) Men’s opinions on women’s health issues. Yep, I’m using the “it’s my body” card on that.

10.) Having a showcase ready home. I could spend my time making sure my house is sparkling clean and ready to be photographed all the time, or I could spend time with my friends and family making memories. I choose the latter. Time well spent with people I love is far more valuable to me than being able to eat off my floors or pass a white glove test.

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#BloggingAtoZ — Yip Yips

One of my favorite memories from my childhood is watching Sesame Street. I still love it, if I’m being honest. I learned my first word in a foreign language watching Sesame Street: agua! And the thing that made me laugh the most was the sketch with the Yip Yips and the telephone! Maybe young kids today won’t appreciate it because they have no idea what a rotary phone is, but that hasn’t stopped me from showing it to kids and they always laugh! So if you haven’t seen it before, enjoy it! And if you have seen it before, enjoy it again!

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#BloggingAtoZ — Hamilton Exhibition

Okay, for my X post, I’m cheating a little by using the X in Hamilton Exhibition to qualify 🙂

Yesterday, the Hamilton Exhibition opened at Northerly Island in Chicago, and my husband and I had tickets to attend. The ridiculous weather not included, it was really a fantastic exhibit! It was a really cool way to share information about the real Alexander Hamilton and help understand the influence he had on this country while springboarding off the popularity of the musical, which is not historically accurate (which should not be a surprise to anyone, as Lin-Manuel Miranda has never hidden the fact that he took some artistic license when he wrote the musical).

Not just about Hamilton himself. the exhibit also shares information about other people, including Eliza, the Schuylers, George Washington, and Thomas Jefferson as well as information about the slave trade and the politics of the time. Parts of the exhibit are passive, where you read and look; parts are interactive or hands on, and there some that include video or animation. If you’ve been to the exhibit, I’m thinking about the Battle of Yorktown, which was probably the coolest part of the whole thing! It was part video, part demonstration and completely engrossing!

I also really enjoyed the room where it looked like a party at the Schuyler mansion and you can hear a little more about all the people who appear in the winter’s ball in the musical, including people like John Laurens and Marquis de Lafayette and even a slave girl who would have worked for a family like the Schuylers.

Lin-Manuel Miranda shared that he planted factoids throughout the exhibit where he took creative license when doing the musical so people could find them. I had a blast looking for them. I found 13; not sure how many he put there, but I Tweeted at him to see if I found them all! Maybe he’ll respond???

There’s a room at the end that is all about the duel between Hamilton and Burr which is kind of breathtaking. It includes a fascinating chart that explains that Hamilton lived for 32 hours after he left his house to go to the dueling ground to meet Burr, and Burr loved for 32 years after the duel. The wall-long chart chronicles Hamilton’s last 32 hours of life with Burr’s last 32 years of life in parallel fashion. It’s fascinating and sad and mesmerizing at the same time.

The final part of the exhibit is a room where those who attended are asked to share their own vision for America, being reminded about the legacy we leave and that “history has its eyes on you.” I did not leave a vision but rather took tome to read some that others left behind.

Alexander Hamilton had no control over who lives, who dies, who tells his story, but I will say that Lin-Manuel Miranda and the creative team did a pretty damn good job of telling Hamilton’s story!

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#BloggingAtoZ — Wait for It

I always tell people that my favorite song from Hamilton is “Burn” but I’d be lying if I didn’t readily admit that I wouldn’t want to live off the difference between that song and “Wait for It.”

“Wait for It” is my daughter’s favorite song from the musical, and when I learned that, for some reason, it caused me to play closer attention to the song to try to see what she saw, and it’s a good one.I don’t know what resonates with my daughter, but what resonates with me is the simple, obvious, but profound truths Burr shares when he says,

“Love doesn’t discriminate
Between the sinners
And the saints
It takes and it takes and it takes
And we keep loving anyway.
We laugh and we cry and we break
And we make our mistakes.”

“Death doesn’t discriminate
Between the sinners and the saints
It takes and it takes and it takes
And we keep living anyway.
We rise and we fall and we break
And we make our mistakes.”

“Life doesn’t discriminate
Between the sinners and the saints
It takes and it takes and it takes.
And we keep living anyway
We rise and we fall and we break
We fall and we make our mistakes.”

It’s like those phrases smacked me right in the face because they are so true and so powerful. And when they are put in the context of the song, the frustration and envy Burr feels for Hamilton, somehow it makes those sentiments all the more poignant. This song is instrumental in developing the audience’s relationship with Aaron Burr. We want to dislike him, especially knowing how his relationship with Hamilton is going to end, but he manages at times to garner enough sympathy in us that we can’t be filled with disdain for him — there’s a part that pities him, and that’s what makes the relationship with him so powerful.

I have been thinking about getting a Hamilton related tattoo, but I don’t want the show logo — too simple and obvious. But I like words and quotes, and this song offers some strong possibilities.

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#BloggingAtoZ — The Virgin Suicides

I am behind on my blog posts, so expect a barrage of them 🙂

My post for the letter V is another fantastic but disturbing book I read called The Virgin Suicides by Jeffrey Eugenides (yes, I know there’s a movie but I’ve never seen it because I didn’t want to be disappointed because I don’t think this book lends itself well to being a movie). The story is essentially told from the collective point of view of neighborhood boys, now adults, remembering back to when they were kids and they met the mysterious and beautiful Lisbon sisters. But the Lisbon family ends up torn apart as sister after sister takes her own life. This book is heady and heartbreaking and disturbing but fascinating all the same. It makes the reader think about our own memories and how we remember the past. It makes the reader want to know more about the dynamics of the Lisbon family, but the reader never gets that. It’s like quicksand. The more awful things get, the more you want to be in it — to understand, to make sense, to be part of the collective memory. It is quite a sad book but beautifully written. I believe this was Eugenides first book and it really showcases his ability to write compelling prose. One of my very favorite books of all time. If you’re looking for something deep to read, this book might do the trick.

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#BloggingAtoZ — Unwind

My post today is about one of the most haunting, disturbing books I have ever read — Unwind by Neal Shusterman. The premise of the book is this: the second Civil War in our country is called the Heartland War, and it is fought over reproductive rights. The result of the war is Unwinding: abortion is not allowed; parents must have their children and keep them until the age of 13. Between the ages of 13 – 18, however, any parents who decide they they no longer want to keep their child may choose to instead have the child Unwound, which means the child’s body in its entirety must be used as donor parts so that, technically, the life goes on, just in a divided state. The story focuses on the main characters of Connor, Risa, and Lev — all scheduled for Unwinding for different reasons — and how their lives intersect and how they deal with their imminent Unwindings.

The premise of the book is seriously messed up, and I will tell you without giving away any plot details that yes, you will get to witness an Unwinding, and it is a scene you will not soon forget, it is so powerful and disturbing. Hats off to Neal Shusterman for his amazing creativity in developing the premise of this book and the unnerving description of Unwinding. The man is brilliant.

If you are like me and enjoy dystopian fiction, I highly suggest reading this book. There are other books to create a series (or a dystology, as some call it). I have read them, and while they are good, in my opinion, none of them live up to Unwind.

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#BloggingAtoZ — Tu Meri

I’m going international for my post today! I’d like to introduce you to a song that I’m guessing very few of you know. It’s called “Tu Meri” and it is from the Bollywood film Bang Bang.

I know very, very little about Bollywood movies. I’ve seen only one — Bang Bang. What I can tell you about that movie is it was AWESOME! I can see why Bollywood movies are so popular if they are all like this one. The story is engaging, the plot is action packed, and the musical numbers are absolutely epic! I don’t think I’ve ever had as much watching a movie as I did watching Bang Bang.

I really enjoyed the music in that film, but I remember my dad telling me how much he liked “Tu Meri” so I paid extra attention to it when I watched the movie, and I see why he liked it! It doesn’t matter that I can’t understand a single word — it’s such an fun, engaging song, you can’t help but get caught up in it! See what you think! The video for the song is actually the scene in the movie where the song is performed. You’ll see what I mean about the musical numbers being epic! I’m betting you’ll be tapping your toe right along to the song not too far into it! Expand those musical horizons — add a Bollywood song to your playlist!

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